Saturday, November 4, 2006

it goes deeper and deeper and deeper.

die mannequin, currently playing wee tour after wee tour, biraging together into a big long tour. everyone's asking when we're playing toronto. all our dates are on this thing we call nerdspace.....

it doesn't matter, but does anyone ever get this giant throbbing feeling that under this sickness under sickness etc, that you lose yr heart and yr head somewhere. i mean, like a polar axis, on one end being yr head, and one yr heart, both pulling back and fourth. i find myself swallowed in the middle somewhere. when yr heart beats louder than yr head, yr in loud company. fucking shut up sometimes. how do i know what's best for me.?. like an undeniable threat, i scare myself.. but aparantly, the head isn't such a good place either. thinking myself into paralyzation. can't move, speak, breathe, with pictures blasting through my puzzled view of ceiling since i can't fucking move.

they gave me pills for this. lot's until i found the "right ones". i'm pretty good with pills., knowledge-wise. i've been comatose through so many i should know by know. the doctor's always liked it, they said they could talk medically with me, like one expert to another or something instead of the usual "this will fix all yr problems" speech.

do they work.?. i don't know. some are so addictive, that yr instant happiness is really tricked endorphines and endopemines(spelling.) and yr body has triggered seretonen(sp) deposits. mine are so so depleated to almost gone they say.

that's what is going on when you feel happy. yr body has seretonen(spelling. sorry guys.). you lose that after doing a lot of drugs, presciption, and illegal. well, it depleats. drugs like 'e' and cocaine stimulate it. and then use it up. that's why you feel like utter sad sacks of shit the next day. you can find triptomine(SPELLING!!.) in a lot of shit though. turkey ( that's why you get sleepy after eating it.), and milk warmed up. something that happens chemically, but only when warmed up. that will help with anxiety.

so, if people coming off drugs need to rebuild there seretonen levels, how come, since there is pill form seretonen, that they don't just give out pills of that.?. it's a question i once asked an instructer of mine. but it just reinstalls pill dependancey in people, which is not a good thing to do when yr trying to get off drugs of all kinds.

ask anyone that has taken prescription depression, anxiety or both pills. if you stop taking them, it actually puts you back more below yr "normal" sad sack of shit state than you were to begin with. i've fucking taken down walls, ask my ex boyfriends. i stopped taking that shit after a rehab trip over a year and a bit ago.

don't you think it's weird that when yr forced into a center to get taken off one drug that you are receiving prescriptions for, and they take you off of it in the most inhumane tortuous way, just to put you on over 38 fucking DIFFERENT medications, over four times a da for most of them.

it's god damn stupid is what it is.

oh yeah, and then they send you back into canada, on a drug you need every day and are very much dependant on, and it doesn't even exist here yet. thanks for caring and looking into it guys.

so yr in the middle oif these axis'. getting swallowed.

how come i always seem to slip through these cracks. and when i do it goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper....


- care failure.

Friday, November 3, 2006

die mannequin touring with G n R. STAGGERING EASTERN BOUND.

.staggering eastern bound...

... today is another date with road and i. quebec and i are spooning tonight, after i dated ottawa and toronto within the last 4 days or something. i think i'm going to ask Halifax to the prom. st. John.,............. marriage.?.. lest i not jump ahead of myself. cough 2.5 kids and .5 cat and dog.cough.cough...........

thanks to some inspiring fans we've me on the way who've said some of the nicest things. tiffie, randy, tyler, rebecca, and it goes on and on. people say the nicest things.

and the funniest. someone was pissed because my dangerous fingers did not receite the dorian, or mixo lydian scale five thousand times every song.... i'm so bad it's amazing where i end up starting trouble some times.

one flight up, two loads in and out. t shirts counted and re-counted. on stage i'm in danger to myself and others.

come out sloppy dilema.

- care failure.

die mannequin.